This is how you make the relationship happen—with Jillian Turecki

[00:00:00] We can't just say, you know, I love you, I love you, I love you to ourselves. We have to do things. We have to challenge ourselves. We have to climb that mountain sometimes to really see like, oh, I can do things. And that bolsters their sense of self-esteem and self-worth. And then they have, they can bring that sense of self-worth and that sense of self to a relationship.

[00:00:28] Jillian Turecki, author of a new book, An Insightful Exploration of the Foundational Truths Necessary for Building Healthy Relationships, Both With Oneself and With Others. But let's start with oneself. Let's start with oneself because do it. I feel like people don't know what that means. You know, there's so much talk about like you need to love yourself and this and that and no one really knows what that means. It's a very difficult thing to measure and to identify and to define.

[00:00:55] You know, when it comes to relationships, there's two camps of thought. One is you have to completely love yourself and feel totally whole in order to be in a relationship that's healthy, in order to love someone, in order to be loved. And until you get to that place of complete fullness within, you really shouldn't be in a relationship. Then there's another camp that says, no, you learn how to love yourself through relationship.

[00:01:25] That you don't, it's not about becoming whole. You learn through a relationship. I think that both camps have problems. So, for example, it is absolutely not true that you have to completely love yourself and feel totally whole in order to be, participate, co-create a healthy relationship with another person. And it's not a but, right? We have to be able to hold two truths at the same time.

[00:01:54] And self-love, which in my view, the way that I define it specifically in the book, self-acceptance, self-worth, self-esteem, these are things that matter. And for people who really struggle with their self-esteem and self-worth, they struggle in relationships. Isn't that most people? Well, everyone, to be human is to struggle with your value. But not everyone has low self-esteem.

[00:02:26] And some people will have low self-esteem when it comes to work and other things. Work, but not so much relationships. Or some people are relationships. But if you are in relationships where you are not being treated well. Or you are very afraid that if you are yourself, you're going to be abandoned. Your relationships reflect your relationship with yourself.

[00:02:54] So if your relationship with yourself is very troubled. If you don't think that you are worth love. And people can intellectualize it and say, yes, I know I'm deserving. I'm deserving of love. I think the better word is deservingness. But their relationships speak otherwise. And so the fact that no one is ever fully whole. Then we would all be doomed.

[00:03:23] And every person that you are in a relationship with, romantic or otherwise, is a mirror. We learn about who we are through our relationships. Because people are reflecting that back to us. Because we are not meant to grow to exist inside of a bubble. And like I said, if you do not believe that you are deserving of love, respect.

[00:03:51] But yeah, love and respect. Your relationships are going to reflect that. So self-love is actually important. But it's to what degree? Well, to the degree that you know that you are actually worth 100% respect and love. That doesn't mean that you have to be in a relationship and put in the work.

[00:04:17] But a lot of people don't believe that they are deserving of that. Is that because of the way they were raised? Or the way other people have treated them in the past? Where does that come from? Yes, yes, yes. So I mean, it's everything. So for some people, it's the way that they were treated as children by their parents. Maybe their parents were neglectful.

[00:04:44] Maybe their parents suffered from their own abuse from their parents. Maybe they were addicts. Maybe they watched dad beat up mom. And then you have a young girl who doesn't believe that she's... She believes that that's how women are to be treated. Maybe it's watching dad be an alcoholic. And the young boy says, that'll never be me.

[00:05:12] And so I'm going to just be like Mr. Nice Guy and just appease everyone. So maybe it's because you had a horrible experience in another relationship. You know? I mean, it's so many different influences. And so the aim, the goal is to get ourselves to a point where our self-esteem is healthy. But not perfect. Doesn't need to be. It means that you are aware of your flaws.

[00:05:42] And you still think highly of yourself regardless of the fact that you have flaws. It's not being egoic. It's not grandiosity. It's literally, I see my value as a human being even though I am a flawed person. Even though there are parts of me that I wish were different.

[00:06:09] I still see myself as someone who deserves respect like any other human being. Is that just something people need to tell themselves over and over again? Or how does it get drilled into your head? Yeah, well, no. Well, actually, no. I don't think it's something that you have to tell. Telling yourself that over and over again isn't going to work. Every individual is different. But for some people, they have to learn how to raise their self-esteem by learning how to meet their needs better.

[00:06:38] So some people, they never learned how to take care of themselves. I'm using as an example, low-hanging fruit. There are some people who never learned how to take care of themselves financially. And so their journey to a stronger sense of self, which leads to a stronger sense of worth,

[00:07:03] is learning how to meet their need for security and certainty and stability rather than depending on others. For some people, it's learning how to meet their needs for adventure. For some people, it's learning how to meet their needs for connection. They need to find community. They need to find community of like-minded people so that they can learn more about who they are and they can feel a stronger sense of who they are.

[00:07:32] And that bolsters their sense of self-esteem and self-worth. And then they have, they can bring that sense of self-worth and that sense of self to a relationship. You know, we can't just say, you know, I love you, I love you, I love you to ourselves. We have to do things. We have to challenge ourselves. We have to climb that mountain sometimes to really see like, oh, I can do things. You know, when we do things, it's like a child.

[00:08:01] Where do children build their confidence? Well, the first time they like go to poop in the potty. Or the first time if you like grew up in a city, like I grew up in New York City, the first time a child takes their, you know, the public bus or the public transportation by themselves. And then they're like, whoa, I can do this by myself. That bolsters a child's confidence. It bolsters a child's self-esteem. We have to do that as adults too. We actually have to do things that challenge us.

[00:08:29] And then we think, wow, I can do things. And that confidence in ourselves helps with all of that. Yeah, I think you touched on two really important things. One, sense of purpose. Yeah. And two, sense of belonging. Yes. Because what you said about community stuck out to me, particularly because there's this conversation about, I don't know if it's the male loneliness epidemic, but I saw a graph of how much people are searching,

[00:08:59] like how to find friends in X city or whatever. And how people are just searching it more and more. But my question is, where do people find community? Because a lot of times, like, you know, there's churches and stuff, but people aren't religious. Or there's like, I consider like AA a community. Yes. But not everyone's an addict. Right. So where do people go to find actual community?

[00:09:26] Um, by giving back, by joining, you know, uh, there's like some grocery stores where you can donate your time. They're, they have that all over Brooklyn, um, by whatever, whatever cause speaks to your heart. But so something, and then you combine two things, community and giving back some acts of service.

[00:09:52] Because when we give back, when we contribute in some way to something outside of ourselves, that makes us feel very connected. It makes us feel very connected to purpose. It makes us feel very connected to others. And that connection gives us a stronger sense of self. And it makes us love ourselves more, honestly. So it could be anything. Like, if you love animals, go volunteer somewhere. And then you're going to be around people who are doing the same thing, loving the same thing.

[00:10:20] And you build community there. If yoga is your thing, join a yoga studio and go there several times a week. And people build community in yoga studios all the time. I know that that was my community. So, um, think about something that it's, you know, you can't, community is not going to find you. You have to find it. Or create it. Or create it. Yeah. Even better. Or create it.

[00:10:45] Um, start hosting some events or parties or, I don't know, depending, whatever, whatever your thing is. But, um, yeah, you have to do that. You have to, you know, have to be proactive in your life. And you have to do certain things. Because that's life. You want something, you have to go for it. I hear a lot of talk about, you know, men need to be the pursuers and this and that.

[00:11:15] I don't know if that's true in this day and age. I mean, a lot of people are meeting online. So it's like they're both kind of choosing each other first. Um, what do you think of the idea of a woman not pursuing necessarily, but, you know, putting herself out there being a little bit of an aggressor? Not aggressor. I don't know what the word is. Yeah.

[00:11:38] No, I, I think that, um, women who date men typically prefer to be pursued. Yeah. And men who date women typically prefer to pursue. But that doesn't mean that a woman can't make the first move. What does that look like though? That could look like going up to some guy at a restaurant or at the gym and just saying, can you help me with something? Or, you know.

[00:12:07] Very strategic, Jillian. Yeah. Or, or, or, I don't know if you're single, but here's my number. I thought you were kind of cute. And you can be cute about it. And then that person, he would have to actually make the first move and call. Not a lot of women want to give out their numbers in today's day and age. But they can give out, I don't know, here's my Instagram or here's my email address. Or you can just, I don't know, you can just start talking to someone.

[00:12:36] Or you can say, you can also like slide into someone's DMs and just say, I think you're really interesting. I'd like to take you for coffee. But then what happens after that? You don't want to set the precedent. You don't want to then just ask him for dinner. Yeah. He's got to ask you out. And he's got to actually pursue. But it's not the same thing as chasing. When you're chasing someone, someone is actually running away from you. They don't want to be caught.

[00:12:59] So I always tell women, all those rules that tells you how to play hard to get, you really need to throw that rule out. Because we grew up with those books. Yes. Be hard to get. Because too many women are actually saying yes to men who are not actually pursuing them or who are actually not that interested. And be a little bit harder to get. Meaning, know your worth. Know your value.

[00:13:28] It's not about being a diva. But, you know, I mean, really, honestly, I just would like to see a lot more women choosing good people rather than people who are rejecting them all the time. Look, and this goes for whatever gender, whatever you date, there are certain people circling back to self-worth and self-esteem.

[00:13:56] Who, and this is their pattern, and this can go all the way back from childhood, who the only person they're really interested in getting. Is the person who's not interested in them? Is the person who's always rejecting them in some way. Oof. That's a terrible position to be in. Where does that come from, though? You know what? I don't, I am not one of those experts who likes to say it always comes from this.

[00:14:23] But no one really truly knows. People try to act like they know no one truly knows. Yes, childhood plays a role in that. If you, there's so many variables. If you felt like growing up you were supposed to be a certain way. Maybe you were really rewarded for being a straight-A student. And so you have this pressure, this perfectionism on you, right?

[00:14:49] And that wasn't even your parents' intention to put that pressure on you. But you learned at a young age, as we all do, what's going to get mommy and daddy's attention and what's not going to get their attention. And this is how we are conditioned. This is how we are molded. And then you go up and maybe you're a perfectionist.

[00:15:10] So then you can't, when you're a perfectionist, you really, really struggle profoundly with the parts of you that are not perfect. And so you repress it and you try to hide it. And you don't want anyone to see it. And so you try to present a certain image. And so then you might go, you want to go for someone and you're strategically trying to put out this entire image. And you're not being authentically you.

[00:15:38] And so you can get yourself in huge trouble there emotionally of always trying to be enough for someone who's just not interested. You're like, what? I have to be enough. I have to be enough. I have to be perfect. This is one example of many. But I like what you said about we don't really know because it just made me realize how everything that you post and say, you're very solution-oriented.

[00:16:00] Some people are obsessed with just going back and figuring out every little thing, but they're not really making strides to change their lives. I think it's very important to be solution-oriented. It's very important to be solution-oriented. Very, very important because the hardest thing to do as human beings is to change. It's very hard. We are very resistant to that because we've got things that are very hardwired.

[00:16:29] So helping someone change is really the biggest thing. And, yes, you want to, you know, having some understanding of where, you know, if you have a pattern and it's not serving you, having some understanding about why you have this pattern. Maybe it's something to do with your early attachment wounding. Maybe it's something to do with happening with your parents. Having context, that could help a lot of people. But then it's like, well, then now what?

[00:16:59] You know, now how do we help a person have a stronger sense of self? And it really boils down to learning how to meet your needs. And one of your needs is to give back and for community. And that's very, that's extremely important. Then also your beliefs. Like everyone has these core beliefs about who they have to be, what the rules are, and dating and love. And we get so bogged down with a lot of BS. And so I try to demystify some of that in the book. I love it.

[00:17:27] I know you also coach some clients. Yes. So I have for many years. Yeah. Yeah. How many years have you been coaching? Well, I worked with people on a one-on-one basis for over 20 years because I used to teach yoga. And I used to work with people with emotional stuff, physical stuff, relationship stuff. But the real like relationship coaching separate from the yoga has been almost 11 years now. Oh my God. Yeah. Okay. Perfect.

[00:17:50] Because I wanted to ask you, what are some of the biggest problems women are facing in this day and age that are unique to now? And what are some of the stuff that men are coming to you with? Because I think we're all being affected by something called, that I call algorithmic brain rot, which is because we spend half of our time on our phones. We're sort of being programmed to think a certain way. Yeah.

[00:18:16] So like there's a lot of content that I see like girlfriends sending me and I'm looking at the comment section of all these posts and it feels like everyone's being programmed to like hate men or think men are bad or they're all cheaters. Or like I'm sure men are getting content that are like, you know, women are all gold diggers or whatever it is. Yeah. Yeah. And it's not really reflective of how we are. Yeah. The gender war right now feels quite intense.

[00:18:42] I see it in the comments like, oh, yeah, you know, why do guys always do this or why do women always do that? And, you know, here's the truth. Dysfunction hits anyone. You know, like there are great people out there. And then there are people who have a lot of problems and need a lot of maturing to do. And it's not just men and it's not just women.

[00:19:08] So that's what we would refer to as a limiting belief or all men are like this or all women are like that. Look, I think that there might be certain trends that are going on. You know, the one thing that I find very troubling in the algorithmic brain rot, as you referred to, is like this idea of like what a high value woman is and what a high value man is. I really struggle with that.

[00:19:33] And I also think that it's people are very off in their definition and understanding of it. When I think of someone who is high value, regardless of who they are, how they identify, I think of someone who is who lives more in their hearts and less in their heads. And so that means many people could do a little work on becoming more high value. Right. I don't think it has to anything to do with your bank account.

[00:20:00] I think it has to do with if you have purpose, if you are. Or I think if you're looking for a man, a high value man is someone who is in his heart and who can communicate and who is doing the work to overcome his own conditioning about repressing emotions. Because most men have been taught that.

[00:20:23] I think that he, a high value man is someone who has a, he wants to be in his body so that he can provide some sort of safety, some sort of stability. But the problems that a lot of women are looking for stability and safety.

[00:20:45] And yet there's two things that are happening because women really value stability and safety because to be a woman is, is to feel unsafe in the world in many ways. Right. We're not going to go to a, not going to, even if we're in a beautiful neighborhood, if we're walking down a street that's desolate, every woman is acutely aware. You're not doing it. You're not doing it. And a guy is like, they don't even think of it. So that's part of the experience of being women. So we're always looking for safety.

[00:21:15] But there's two things. One is you have to be able to find that in yourself as well. And you can't look for safety in partners who don't feel safe in themselves either. So we're all going to benefit. And we're all going to be much happier in our relationships.

[00:21:37] If we can be in our bodies and live more in our hearts, which means we have to be brave and confront a lot of our fears. And we also would do very well to create some sort of safety within ourselves and create safety for others. Honestly, that's how I feel. That's what's going to really make relationships better. What are men worried about and what are women worried about when it comes to dating? Do you notice mostly?

[00:22:08] Rejection, both. Both? Yeah, rejection. I feel like men put themselves in a position to get rejected more, which actually works in their favor. Well, men, you know, men are expected, especially when it comes to women, to make the first move. And I think that women who date men don't give men enough credit for how much courage that takes.

[00:22:34] You think it's easy for a guy to just go up to a woman and ask her out? He's risking rejection all the time. But I think that rejection is definitely what everyone fears the most. At 100%. Not being good enough. Not being chosen. And look, you know, I don't like rejection either. And so this is, I'm not saying that I'm perfect in this.

[00:23:00] But life gets better when you are not so afraid of rejection. Yeah, it shouldn't be this big thing in our heads anymore. It really, you know, there's going to be some people for you and some people not. And that's just how it goes. But when you create a whole story around it where you question your worth because someone rejected you or you just can't handle it, you know, you have to be more resilient, honestly. You know, there are going to be some people who you are just not for.

[00:23:30] I always think about this, the resilient thing. And on the topic of rejection, I feel like if they taught us that earlier, that it's not a big deal if someone doesn't like you, doesn't choose you, doesn't want to be your friend, we'd all have a much easier time. Yeah, we should all have been taught this. Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. I don't know why they don't.

[00:23:54] I also think about how, like, when I was younger and someone would be mean to me at school, it was like this whole thing. Yeah. Like, your parents get upset, they get involved, the school gets involved, the teacher has to, like, punish the other kid, whatever. Yeah, it's a big thing. But it's like, you know, I almost wish my mom or some teacher or anyone was just like, look, a lot of people don't like me too. A lot of people don't like me too. Yeah. And I wish it was ingrained in our heads that way.

[00:24:23] And I think this is a really, actually a good tip for parents, that if you want to raise resilient kids, then don't make rejection a big deal. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's tricky because as kids you want to belong. But yes, exactly. But just to be taught that you're not going to be for everyone. Mm-hmm. And that is not an invitation for you to change yourself to be for everyone. You know, and that it really, truly is okay.

[00:24:51] It really, really is okay. Of course, rejection becomes way more complicated when you're in love with someone and in a relationship with someone. But in the dating phase, they're just going, you know, sometimes that's going to happen. That someone's not going to be into you. And, you know, people with very fragile self-esteem will then internalize that. And they'll see it as confirmation of the thing that they claim to have already known about themselves.

[00:25:21] This is why self-esteem is very important. Yeah. So that you don't look to others for validation of who you are or aren't. Yes, that's why having a sense of self is very important. Do you have to be fully whole? No. Can you, will you ever be fully healed? No. And a sense of self is something that we're, oh, it's almost like lifelong that we're developing that.

[00:25:47] But it's an important thing to bring to a relationship, you know, because relationships need hard conversations. They need, sometimes we really, they need vulnerability. And, you know, having the courage to even tell someone I'm feeling insecure right now about us, like, that's courage. That's self-worth.

[00:26:15] It's not, self-worth and self-love does not mean the absence of fear. It means acknowledging the fear and communicating despite it. I love that. I remember we were talking on the phone about that new Aaron Foster series. Nobody wants this. Yeah, nobody wants this with Adam Brody. Yeah. And how that's such a good example of what true masculinity is or what women are attracted to. Yes. Because we see the response from women. Yes. Women are loving it. Women are loving it and they're loving him.

[00:26:46] Yeah. And he does not represent anything outwardly, quote unquote, uber masculine. Yeah, there's no cold plunging. There's no cold. Yeah, there's no giant muscles and cold plunging and all of that. More power to the men who do that. But yes, there's none of that. But the way he communicates and the way he apologizes when she's upset. And he's present. Yeah. And communicative. Yeah. And makes and, you know, is he's not perfect. He's not perfect.

[00:27:16] His relationship with his mom could be problematic. He, you know, gets anxious around his work stuff. He's not perfect. But he is. I think that he has a strong enough sense of self that he is able to provide some stability for her. And he's really present. And that is what every woman is falling in love with. The emotional safety aspect. Yeah, 100%. And I wish more men knew that. That that's what it is.

[00:27:44] And not this like alpha male thing that they're being fed by other men who are trying to sell courses about it. Yes, but you can't provide safety for your partner unless you have some integration between your mind and your body. I don't know what that looks like. So it's not what it looks like. It's what it feels like. So you can't you can't be living in your head all the time, disconnected from yourself. And provide safety for someone else. You just can't.

[00:28:13] You have to be in your body, whether you're doing that through some sort of exercise or some sort of practice, whether it's a spiritual practice, whether it's your therapy, whether it's, you know, whatever work that that resonates with you to to to help you feel better in your body, then you can provide safety. But for the person who's feeling completely disconnected from themselves, and then they're supposed to then be safe for their partner and their partner's like looking to them to make them safe.

[00:28:41] It's like this person doesn't even feel connected to themselves. How can they actually help you in this moment? That's such an important thing to look for. Yeah, that's why it begins with you. Begins with you. Yeah. What about for women in terms of like, what are the lies that women are being fed that are untrue? And what should they be focusing on instead based on what, you know, years and years of coaching people and helping people with this stuff?

[00:29:11] Let's narrow it down in terms of attracting a mate or in just in terms of being in a relationship because I think both. Yeah. Well, as far as attracting a mate, it really has very little to do with what's on the outside. Now, let me clarify. You should take care of yourself physically. You know, if you're looking for a partner and this goes for anyone. Yeah.

[00:29:39] You want to take care of yourself, how you present yourself. That's the first impression. But what people fall in love with is something that comes from the inside. It's a vibe. It's an energy. Right. And I think that every single person, whether they are cognizant of it or not, we're all attracted to people who are in body, who are kind of in their bodies,

[00:30:07] where they're not so like brain, body disconnected. Like we're drawn to people like that, even if it's not sexually. Like we're drawn to we want to be around that. And I think everyone is attracted to confidence. I think that that's really important.

[00:30:22] And so I think that women, you know, it's hard because society puts a lot of pressure on women, a lot, a lot of pressure to not age, to do this. So it's really it's not our fault, honestly. But I think that, you know, because I've I've coached a lot of men and I've date men.

[00:30:48] And without fail, every single one has said like it's what I fall in love with is the smile. It's when she's happy. It's when she feels good. It's not the eyelashes. It's not the lips. It's not like me. It's not the butt. Like maybe that's like what I noticed at first. But circling back to high value, a high value person is not going to be with someone because of their ass.

[00:31:17] They're going to they're just not. Say it again. Yeah, they're not. That's yeah. They may be attracted and they may they may want to have sex, but they're not the high value person. That's like that's not the thing that they're really looking for. Anyone who's high value is looking for someone who has some depth and who is has similar values to them and who has a kindness in their heart.

[00:31:48] And it's not again, it's not that what you look like is irrelevant because you have to be attracted. But really, that's not what people actually fall in love with. It's something else. This isn't it's an intangible, but that intangible is coming from the inside. Yeah. When you said the embodied thing, there's this like word that everyone's using now aura. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's a little too new new agey for me personally.

[00:32:12] But yes, it's it's, you know, their energy, you know, but I but it's also how they carry themselves. And it's not just the energy that's in the room. You want to really like someone like a hive. Women are taught to please. Women are taught to capitulate. Women are taught we're much more agreeable. And sometimes being agreeable is a superpower. I mean, what are you going to do? Go through life and just be disagreeable all the time?

[00:32:41] No, you're the nightmare. So the agreeableness is good. But if you can balance it with, hey, this is what I need. And I don't think I can be in this unless this need is met. That's not neediness. That's directness. And I think that what women don't understand is that when you're really direct and honest, you're it's not you're not throwing a bunch of intensity out there like you're like, but

[00:33:08] you're really direct and honest and vulnerable about what you need. But the vulnerable, remember, you can be vulnerable and really direct. That is going to turn the right man on. I think so, too. They want to meet those needs. I mean, so many of my friends relationships and they want to direct it. They want. Yeah. They want someone who sees their worth. Yeah. And it's direct and honest. Going back to what you said earlier. Yeah. The doing things.

[00:33:34] I feel like a man or a woman, them doing things for each other. Also, it's like that sense of community, but within a relationship. Absolutely. A sense of purpose within a relationship. Within a relationship. And I don't know about you, but I was taught, you know, indirectly, you kind of are like yourself, but you also there's a little bit of a strategy to get the person. And certainly for me, because, you know, I I historically had more abandonment issues. It's like, what can I do or say?

[00:34:04] Like, I don't want to rock the boat. So even if something truly upset me, I might repress that. And then that might come out like I'm really angry later. And then and then I'm the one apologizing when this other person should be apologizing. All that stuff, which is a lot of the stuff that I talk about in the book, that those are the things that women need to definitely. But but I would say both like the more direct and honest we can be to with each other about what it is that we need and what it is that we want.

[00:34:33] And you throw in a little sprinkle of vulnerability in there, which is which which, for example, looks like, hey, I really like you. Like, I'm really into this. I want to see where this goes. But you also need to know that, like, I can't roll like this, you know, like this isn't going to work for me. So it's it's both reminds me of your post where you're always talking about like you have to be courageous. You have to take a risk. You have to be brave. Otherwise, nothing's going to move forward. Nothing's going to move forward.

[00:35:03] And it's really it's so important. The best couples I know, they are really honest with each other, really honest with each other. And they're having these kinds of conversations. And it gets messy really quick when we stop telling the truth. I have a final question, which I ask every guest on the podcast. It's a hypothetical question to sort of see, you know, obviously, we have all these messages

[00:35:30] we want to share, but there's one that I think most urgently needs to be shared. And this one helps figure out what that is. So you're at the Oscars. Let's say for a documentary about longevity and love and relationships. Sure. And they announce the nominees and then they announce the winner and it's you. And you go up there. You think everybody you need to thank your family, God, whoever. Right.

[00:35:55] And then there's that 45 second to a minute window where you get to say anything. And it's going to be it's going to go viral. It's going to go beyond reels. They're going to be headlines. What message is so important to you that in that 45 second window, you're going to say it. I'm like two conflicting ones in my mind right now. Anything that's not going well for you in your relationship or in life.

[00:36:25] Get whatever help you need, whatever support you need. But you have to be the change that you want to see in your relationships and in your life. It has to come from something within you. And you are more than capable with help to do that. But nothing's going to change on the outside. You have to do something to change it. And that's very important. Oof, I just got the chills.

[00:36:56] Okay, Jillian, thank you so much for coming. I can't wait for your new book. Thank you so much for having me.